Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wow, so its been a few months since I posted. My only excuse is ...... I'm still thinking!! No excuses I just didn't post. So, this weekend is coming up and it is Mothers Day - I was asked what I wanted to do for Mothers Day and my thoughts were, I'm not a Mother. Yes, I had a son at the age of 16 and he was put up for adoption as I was just a child myself and in no way prepared or able to raise a child. It was a decision I was not really allowed to make (a different lifetime/life style back then), and while I know it was the best thing for him, I was also never able to have more children so missed out on being a mother - the one true job I wanted all my life. As I said in my earlier post I was Mama K to a lot of people and friends call me Mama K to this day. I love helping people and helping people grow and become better people, friends, etc. I have no expectations for Mothers Day, but appreciate being asked what I wanted to do - just enjoying my family is all I could ever ask for. My family at least the family I live with - a surrogate daughter and her husband and their 2 little girls. The girls call me Nana and I try to be the best Nana I can be. I love being a Nana to them and while it has its joys - it is also very tiring! Since being on a medical leave for the past year I have been slowly recovering from unknown illness. Unknown as in they never could figure out why I was unconscious and why I was so sick and in the hospital for so long. Being 54 and not as healthy as I should be, helping watch over 1 yr old and a 34 months (almost 3 yrs) yr old totally wears me out! The youngest one, she is very busy and has no fear - so my anxiety levels go through the roof!! The other little girl is also very busy and while both are dolls, she is like her daddy and loves cars! and flying - pretend flying cars, dolls, anything in her hands.... My limit on watching them indoors is about 3-4 hours. Outside.... about 30 minutes! Too much to get into and too many places to go. I was used to being on my own - quiet, tranquility, watching my TV shows when I wanted to, no TV when I wanted peaceful time.... now it is Barney and any other HUGE list of children's shows. Eating when I wanted, not sharing with sticky fingers - you get the idea! Welcome to Nana time! Yogurt in my hair - yep, sticky fingers needing kissed, yep - but all I need to hear to start my day when I walk out of my room is HI NANA! and those little girls come running to hug me. What a way to start the day - oh yeah, at least I don't have to get up at the break of dawn with them!! lol My nieces where my world, now and many years ago. They have grown up, all three are married, one has a darling daughter, one is expecting and the youngest just graduated from college. I miss them, I miss the times we used to have. I feel so estranged from them, like we have grown so far apart. We all grow and change, but my love for them will always be there....

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